What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
