she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
