2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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