Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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