then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
