I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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