I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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