After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize