I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I deserve to be covered in dicks
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
