U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
