The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
