Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
