It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'm at about main and main street
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
