Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
