You're my little dorito
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
