I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
