I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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