i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Enjoy the penises
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
