He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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