As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
