my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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