Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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