I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I love you. Go after that dick
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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