Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
