she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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