u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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