if i can run in heels then i can drive
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Of course I have a pirate flag
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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