I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
