dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
