He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
