OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
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