That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
