cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
