I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize