rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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