you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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