this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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