i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
