Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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