dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
