if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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