ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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