A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
