she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I love you. Go after that dick
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
