he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
