So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
