Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
