hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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