I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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