If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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