I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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