Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
