Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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