nut hugger
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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