"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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