I think my fart just growled at me.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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