I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
