How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
It's rum buckets o'clock
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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