guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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