I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
