Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
