Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
