i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
