Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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