I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Ladies don't puke and tell
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
