Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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