did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
