i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
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