the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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