i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
