i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
