please come you make the beer taste better
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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