I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
