you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
